PPD- The Raw, and Realness of Motherhood
July 7, 2018
Have you ever had so many thoughts in your head? That when you go to write them, you just blank? Yeah that’s me. So we are just going to go with the flow, and jump right into it. Even if I sound like a complete fool. Because I KNOW that someone needs this. Just like I needed it 5 months ago, when I was hit with PPD.
PPD is something most mamas don’t want to talk about, because let’s face it. We are all afraid of being judged, or being told;
“oh someone out there is going through worse than you. Just get up and live your life; you do this to yourself by moping around, and feeling sorry for yourself.”
(Yes, someone has actually told me this). At times when, yes, it could be A LOT worse, but I AM FEELING THE LOWEST I HAVE EVER FELT IN MY LIFE, AND I JUST NEEDED TO HEAR “IT WILL BE OKAY, I AM HERE.” Let me be that “I am here,” for you.
Why am I feeling so low when I have so many reasons to be thankful?
POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION. PPD is real.
Nobody warns you about this, but It is real. It is raw. It will tear you apart. It will tear your marriage apart. It will make you feel like you aren’t good enough, and it will make you not want to live.
No matter how many times my husband told me that I was loved, and I meant the world to him and the kids, it didn’t matter. My mind told me I was worthless, that I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t a good mom or wife, or that I shouldn’t be here. It took me awhile to realize what was happening, because I never felt that way after Aubrey. I mean, I felt amazing my entire pregnancy with DJ. I had barely any sickness, labor and delivery was a piece of cake. And we were so ready to have another baby. We were so excited to get a little boy.
So WHY?
Why all of a sudden was I feeling so horrible? Feeling like A complete and utter failure? Honestly to this day I still have no idea, and I still struggle. So don’t let this fool you into thinking I have this entire thing figured out, because I don’t.
Not even close.
Some days are good and some bad. When it’s bad, IT IS BAD. I lay in bed and I cry and I wonder “why? Why me? Why now?”.
They tell you to find a hobby, keep yourself busy. To go out, do things, meet up with your friends… But how can you, when you literally want to crawl up into a ball and cry?
Most days I would force myself out of bed. I’d get up, fake a smile, and barely make it through. At night? That’s when I’d let it all out. I’d just cry, and cry, and cry. My husband had no idea. No clue as to what I was going through until two months PPD.
I lost it.
I wanted to end my life. And while I would never, ever, try or do anything to leave my babies behind, I felt like I wasn’t good enough for them. My husband finally realized , (thank the lord,) that he could tell I wasn’t me…
The most important things I realized, while struggling with PPD is:
1. REACHING OUT. DO NOT bottle it up, and think that you are alone. You are far from alone.
2. Talk to your spouse. I promise they will want to help in anyway they can. It’s so very important to have the support of your spouse.
3. Cry when you need too. Laugh when you need too, and scream when you need too. Know that you will struggle. Some days you won’t want to live. Some days you couldn’t imagine not living. You aren’t okay, and that’s okay. You’re not obligated to be perfectly fine, and that’s perfectly fine.
Feel what you feel, but don’t let it control your life.
YOU ARE WORTH MORE.
YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOTHER. A FRIEND. AN AUNT. A COUSIN. OR A SISTER.
YOU HAVE SUPPORT.
AND IF YOU FEEL YOU DON’T, COME TO ME.
I’ve been there, Mama. I’ve been there. Just remember it will all be okay. It will get better. You will get stronger. And you will kick this demon of a disease.
PPD WILL NOT CONTROL US. WE CONTROL IT.
But MOST IMPORTANTLY, be patient. It takes time.
THIS IS MOTHERHOOD
As someone who’s currently struggling with PPD & PPA this was so helpful for me ! Thank you !
Aww I’m so sorry, it’s so hard but know you aren’t alone and if you need help DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR IT!
Thank you so so much girl! this means alot!
Aww im so sorry to hear that babe. I know it’s hard but you’ll get through it. I’m here!